Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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