apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Randomize
