Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
