and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
