I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
