I'm lost and stupid without you.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
