did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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