halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
His hands were made for my vagina.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
