I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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