'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
