How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
