I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
