I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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