i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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