i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
