thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
