Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize