ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
