Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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