Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize