I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
