The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Drunk walkin through police station. America
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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