i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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