Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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