I only kidnapped one of them. chill
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
