o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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