I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Randomize