He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
