1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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