I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
