I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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