I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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