my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
