i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
