woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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