I molested 6 butterflies tonight
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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