I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
