I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
