3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
MIDGETS
????
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
