Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
well I can't set my house on fire every night
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
