The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
