pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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