I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
