I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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