we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
