Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
