last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
