why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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