just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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