I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
It's never too late to be topless.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
