Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
