Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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