i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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