I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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