I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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