I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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