I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
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