im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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