Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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