Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Come see our sink grown plant.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
