I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I am one with the molecules
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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