I just pynch a tree in the face
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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