nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
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