I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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