my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Randomize
