I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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