I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
