Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
